In the future we'll all be gay
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
