I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
