i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
