The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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