I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
wow bdsm is so cute
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
