I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
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