I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize