listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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