Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
