I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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