i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
