i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
