i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
