there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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