Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I just gargled with NyQuil
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