Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
