i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
