the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
