Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
