Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
your room smells of hookers.
And success
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
