My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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