Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
