Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
