I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
