...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
