i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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