In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
