I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
