i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
