Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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