if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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