mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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