He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize