I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
