It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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