but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
