Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
