He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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