I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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