i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
