Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
