apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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