I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I would ride that face into the sunset
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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