I hate all girls vehemently.
I cannot find my penis.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
