Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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