I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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