How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
