you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
