my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
