I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
