I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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