I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
