i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
