Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Randomize