Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
